I can think of at least a couple of other ppl who've made very similar posts in the past and I think got much different responses *sigh*

Anyway, Cherie, huge hugs to you. It's a difficult situation to be in. I was there a few years ago and guess what, my dh DID change his mind and yours might too. I totally understand the desire to add a child to your family and it has nothing to do with banking your happiness on another child, or placing your worth on the # of children you have.

I will keep you and your dh in my thoughts and prayers :hug

__________________
Happily married to: Kevin
Proud SAHM to the 'Great Eight': Ariana, Savannah, Olivia, Kyra, Emma, Brent, Harrison & Layla

If you think my hands are full, you should see my heart

its hard when there is a conflict between a dh and dw when the issues is such a life changing one.

Your still waiting for results right? Maybe hold off any decisions of more children till its in. You will be stressing yourself and will make yourself sick.
Right now I would just enjoy yours boys just for now. Get some counseling/ talk to a good friend who keeps things to themselves, you need to express how you feel.


I didn't feel complete with 2. So i can relate. Dh and I didn't agree always on how many kids we would have, it kept changing.
I do believe Heidi/ and others gives the best advice she/ they know, take what you feel applies to you and just appropriate that she/they cares even if you don't agree.

__________________
God Bless

Beck


The grass is greener where you water it.

re_at_php @ hotmail.com

http://www.wayofthemaster.com/interviewwithgod.shtml <--- interview with God.

My feelings exactly...

You are correct... my want to "eventually" have another child isn't to make me happy... it's because I just don't feel complete. I look at my boys and I feel like one is missing. I can't explain it. I just feel incomplete... definetely not unhappy. I love my boys!!!

__________________



Married to Ryan since May 25, 2002.

Mommy to:
Nathan (October 10, 2004)
Tyler (June 25, 2007)

Nathan's Website:
www.babiesonline.com/babies/b/babyduff

Tyler's Website:
www.babiesonline.com/babies/b/babyduff2

I felt that way before I had Alex. I used to tell Justin the exact same thing, "It just feels like there is one more". It may not be this way for everyone, but when I was done, I felt done. After Brooklyn there was no hesitation, no second guessing, it just felt right.

__________________
Jamie

Cheri I have been in your possition, if you would like to talk you can email me at wendi.ward@yahoo.com or message me at baby_nurse71 on yahoo or txt me at 2075143282 hugs hang in there, and i'm if you want to talk

__________________
Wendi Married to Dan for 21 years
Kayla 20
Hailey 16
and Michael 14

Cherie.
I don't think that Heidi was trying to put you in your place at all, I thought she had some very decent suggestions.
We all know that you have been going through this for quite a while without any change. You are butting heads. And that is not going to work.
If you say 3 is your limit, it is unfair to ask how you would feel if roles reversed and your husband wanted 4? Would you want to dig in your heels or would you give in just to appease him... on something as big as another life?
This is not about right or wrong, please don't take it that way. It's about differences. You are not wrong for wanting another child! But neither is he wrong for not wanting another child.
Last fall my marriage was falling apart. Literally, we fought about everything, we fought long and loud and hard all the time. He moved out for most of September, it was rough. When we got into counselling though I realized a lot of the things that I had done, and one of them was focusing on the "unfairness". Holding on to old hurts and feeling bitter... not moving forward. And it's really hard, especially when you've been hurt a lot over a particular issue... but if you can step back and try to feel some compassion for his side of things, you might find he comes around. My husband has in a lot of ways come back to being the man I married in the first place... some of it from his own effort, but some of it in response to mine.
In our counselling we used to always hear "There is no "she has a problem" or "he has a problem", in a relationship, it's always OUR problem..." you can't fight each other, because in a fight someone has to lose. And that's not good for anyone.
I don't know really the feeling of being "complete". I have never totally felt "done" or "incomplete", with kids, I've never been sure. I could be okay having the two I've got forever, or I could have another one... I'm sure I'd make it okay either way. I know the longing for a baby and I understand how strong that can be.
Have you thought about counselling? I can't remember if you've said anything along those lines before. A good counsellor can really help.
Best luck, I still really hope that you can find a solution that works for both of you.

__________________
Heather, Wife to Shaun since July 20th, 2002, Mom to Elijah (born Sept. 10, 2003), Kaine (born Feb. 9, 2006).

I think she was trying to do that here. Luckily she did not leave after the first couple posts and stuck around to get support.

__________________

I know we've talked about this before and that you know I understand completely how you feel. It is a HUGE deal when you have these feelings and they don't line up with your dh's feelings. I still struggle with this at times. It's no secret that my dh was done with 2 kids. I knew I wasn't. I had that exact feeling that someone was missing from our family. We discussed it and eventually dh agreed to give it another shot. Yes, partly because I wanted to try for a girl (again LOL), but also because I knew we weren't done.

And it's no secret either that I would love to have another baby. Dh is dead set against it. I don't feel as strongly about it as I have in the past, but sometimes the feelings do get to me. And I do bring it up every once in awhile.

I struggled very much with the feelings of why should I be the one to give in? This was after Leanna was born, I don't even remember when. There was a point, near the beginning of the year so it must have been 2006, that I was really struggling with it. Then, for me, I realized that I could learn to be content with what we had, and that maybe I was being selfish, and that maybe "giving in" didn't have to be a sign of defeat. Some of this came through prayer and Bible study also, I had become interested in the idea of relying solely on God for family planning, not avoiding in any way at all. But that's not the point. The point is that after much thought, I went to dh and sort of conceded. I validated his feelings and said that if in October of that year he still felt the same - dead set against kids - that we should plan to set aside the money for the big "V" the following year. Well, October came, as far as I know he still felt the same, but he never took any action. And he still hasn't. And I've been through thinking I was pregnant, wishing I was pregnant, praying I was pregnant, etc. LOL Part of me feels that if he were really certain, he would have taken care of it when he had my "permission". And I say that lightly, because I 100% believe that it's a decision that can be made only when both partners are in agreeance. He doesn't need my permission, but I need to be the one that comes to agreeance with it. Well, now I feel like I'm not again. So I do understand how you feel.

I have no advice for you. This is something I haven't totally worked out for myself. I can only offer hugs and support, letting you know that you aren't alone.

__________________

Wife to Tim, mommy to Jacob, Joshua, Leanna and Liberty (5/28/10)

Our website
http://homeschool-stories.blogspot.com/




"Every morning in Africa, an antelope wakes up. It knows it must outrun the fastest lion, or it will be killed.
Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the slowest antelope, or it will starve.
It doesn't matter whether you're the lion or an antelope - when the sun comes up, you'd better be running."
-African Proverb

Cherie, I hope you see this and take it to heart.

Sometimes we don't get the responses we want, and fel like we are being judged, or, in your own words, "put in our place". Sometimes we need to hear things we don't really want to hear.

Yes, everyone knows Heidi and I are pretty close. I'm not defending her in any way, but Heidi is always one to play devil's advocate. I know in my heart she did not say anything to hurt you, and she never would.

That said, I have to agree with alot of what she and Melissa said.

I have wanted another child for several years. And the last year or less, I don't think I do. Chuck and I talked about having one more when we discussed marriage. Then after we'd been married a couple of years, he said no. A couple months ago HE brought up having another one, and now I'm not so sure.

I was where you are now a few years ago....he said to begin with he wanted one, and now he doesn't but *I* want one, so why can't *I* have what *I* want? I listened to Chuck's concerns about another child, and they were all very real, very valid points.

Thinking back, I was being very selfish not considering his feelings about why he did not want more children.

Don't both of your children of somewhat of special needs? Maybe your DH feels another child would put more pressure on you? Maybe he doesn't want you to feel stressed about dealing with more issues because you ARE a good mother....and honestly, from your posts, you sound like Super Mom to me. And I highly respect you for that.

I hope I've made some sense here, about what Heidi said, and about your feelings, and maybe your dh's.

__________________
Eva~~~feistycowgirl1972@yahoo.com
Hosting Meeting & Greeting, Insanity and the Lighter Side, & Family Matters

Wife to Chuck 02/14/03

Mama to:
Mandy, 05/31/90
Mette, 03/21/91
Trevor, 01/29/93
Josiah, 08/14/94

Grandmama to:
Abriana, my Baby-Bug, 02/23/09
Tristan, my Baby-Bear, 11/23/09
Amyah, my Re-Bug, due 05/14/10